Beginnings

I have a website, once devoted to ministry, now devoted to my counseling enterprise and unavailable it seems for my spiritual/relational panderings. I wrestle out loud with my frustrations and inward cries to reconcile my present experiences with my inner faith, my love for the church, for the advancement of the Kingdom.

I'm disturbed with life in general. I am disturbed by the church, and that takes in its many definitions. I'm disturbed about being the church, about advancing the kingdom of God. I am concerned with reaching into people's lives and offering them the REAL answer and not a band-aid. I am afraid about being accountable - about having them say, I knew her, I talked to her, I came to her, but never once did she tell me of Jesus - the healer, the deliverer, the Savior. I wrestle with my responsibility to them, to my "profession", to not rushing, or pushing, and yet not delaying. I am ashamed of the times I have soft-pedaled, acted objectively distant, affirmed their choices when I knew their choices would fail them and knew that my presentation was less than honest, and I was less than True.

In my own struggle I want to blame - I want to accuse the "church" - those out there with better gifts than I - evangelists who seem to relate so well, say it so easily and eloquently. I want to blame the church for not being there with a ready-made cell group or meeting place so that I can hand them a "spiritual referral" and know that someone will say what needs to be said and lead them to Jesus. I want to be angry at others for their own unavailability and at myself for my own awkwardness and fear.

And so I stumble along, waiting, hoping, praying and searching for the moment, the shoe-in, the open-door. I do not want to bring my own agenda but I must in honesty say I have one. If my agenda is God - God is the answer, you must begin with God, surrender to God, and lay the foundations of your life on obeying God, then yes, that is my agenda. But I am told that I must not push, I must not offend, I have a professional responsibility because I work with companies, "unsuspecting" clients.

So then, waivering, unsettled in my own mind, I feel at times that I am compelled to just listen, affirm, support and encourage positive affirmative actions. I must celebrate their good efforts, and listen patiently, identify their goals and cooperate with their agendas even if in the end they are ineffective and self-deceiving becuase they are void of God and His power.

And so I wrestle.....waiting, floundering, allowing myself at times to slide into silence, encouraging, supporting positive attempts. At other times I apply Biblical ideals such as forgiveness and hopefulness but wondering if loving actions and attitudes will work just because they are build on biblical principles. And if they do will the relationship last? Will the peace hold steady? How long will biblical principles work if the heart is still self-reliant and independent of God? Do I really believe that because I help restore a relationship, bridge the distance, help people find their way back to loving a partner, that that marriage or relationship will work in the end without God at its source? And here-in I struggle.